News Flash!!

In the past 48 hours, I've learned one of the most important lessons of my life. A lesson I know I need to carry to college because without it, I could destroy myself just like the many others I've seen do. 

Minutes before my last blog on Wednesday, I had just stopped crying. I was having mental breakdowns because the course had become too much. The people were overly competitive, which I didn't mind, but for someone like me who wasn't even thinking of going into law, it made life tough. Everyone was the best in their top-notch schools, and wanted to be the best here. Sometimes, this subconsciously made them do things that were rude and cutthroat. Even worse, we had a lot of work to do every night, and here again that wasn't what caused issues. It was the fact that I was pushing myself for hours at night to do a subject that I absolutely despised. 

Gawky and I flipped to a random page that happened to
be the same page.
(The pictures today won't correspond to the text)

I had initially taken the class so I could learn how to lead a mock trial team better, and to be able to challenge myself with the rigor of the course and it's new subject area. What I didn't expect is to end up sacrificing everything--- food, leisure time, sleep, health--- while on this trip for a field I was never planning on pursuing. The class was almost the opposite of what Ryan Cutter had described, and he even admits so himself.

I had no idea that I would be stuck in a classroom with a teacher who was subconsciously racist, immediately clicking with and favoring students of her race. No matter how hard I or other minorities tried or what we said, it seemed we could never get the same attention as those who were the same race as her. It seemed as if she barely glanced at me during her lectures, which was odd because we were a small class of 18 that sat in a circle so everyone was equally visible. It was odd that she would many times choose not to call on me, while continuously calling on almost the same people over and over again. Even worse, those who didn't feel this first-hand continuously denied of this occurring. 

As a disclaimer, I don't blame her for the way she has decided to run the class and nor do I blame the students for being the competitive way they are. We've all had different upbringings and went through various paths in life, and sometimes subconscious thoughts that are embedded are almost impossible to let go of. 

But I still couldn't quit...But I had every reason to. 

The problem was I saw it as QUITTING. I saw transferring to Physics of Stars as a sign that I was a disappointing, worthless teen. I was afraid that by letting go of this rigorous course, I would be losing a chance to grow and challenge myself. I wanted to learn how to deal with competitive students, hard teachers, and extreme workloads. And this class seemed to be the way to do it. 

We ate Indian food at a restaurant finally!!

And once again, I would be "quitting." It was like a part of my identity gone. I have always tried out whatever was thrown at me but I never gave up. I never quit when no one could get us money for the robotics team. I never quit when our team got kicked out of the robotics room every single day. I never quit plans to a dance party even when I had 10 hours of homework due the next day. So how could I quit a whole course? I didn't have the guts to. 

Fortunately, I had the right friends, Don, and Mom to guide me. They reminded me that nothing ever goes above mental health. They taught me that sometimes you have to let go of things you sign up for. They taught me that no one is cut out to do every single thing possible in the world. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses because we're human. It's harder to deny those weaknesses and keep going with a course like this than to embrace them proudly and move on.  

Most importantly, they taught me that it's ok and normal to be unsuccessful at something. 

They have an entire India-town, and it's BEAUTIFUL. It's
actually like home.

All my life, it had been ingrained in me that success measures worth. If you fail at something, your success level goes down, and so does your worth. But you know what else goes down with it? Your self-esteem, confidence, and belief in yourself. And that creates a vicious snowball effect that only leads to disaster. This identity related to success is something a lot of students struggle with. And in college, this is what leads to the downfall of many. They begin to reassess their worth simply because that one kid next to them can answer more questions correctly on a test. 

Admittedly, it's still a little hard for me to embrace the decision I've made, but I do know that I've made the right one. There has been news of someone talking in the law class, judging the decisions my friend and I made of switching out. Apparently the person had said something along the lines of calling us a traitor, saying we did it ONLY to ease the workload on us. 

Pretty much what the room looks like every time we study

But, I am glad I have made this decision as I am enjoying this class very much and am retaining all the information I'm receiving. It is obvious that the professors genuinely love the subject and teaching it. And when there are teachers so passionate about teaching students, there really isn't much else you need. 

Also, this blog has gotten pretty long, and I need to sleep to wake up early and do make-up work, so all the activities I've done can actually pretty much be found on Lindsay's blog since we've done almost everything together this past day.